Harry Potter's Time Traveling Sister Who Is Best Friends With Naruto
by Writingathing
Summary: Pretty much what it says on the tin. What if Haruhi Suzumiya escaped the Dursleys by traveling back in time to help Naruto fight the English War of the Roses? Haruhi Suzumiya x Hary Potter x Naruto.
1. The Mysterious Necklace

_I'm not interested in ordinary people. But if anyone out there is a time-traveler, ninja, or wizard, then please come see me. I live in the attic above the stairs at 4 Privet Drive in Little Whinging, Surrey in the year 1990, and I have a few requests..._

Hariya Potter clicked her heels together three times.

Hesitantly, she opened her eyes, hoping to see—

Nope. Same old Privet Drive. Same old identical houses lined up neatly, identical cars parked out in front. Indistinguishable individuality in the gardens, choice of flowers and so on.

Her uncle was watching from inside the house. "Hariya! No magic!"

No magic? For someone who was so obsessively mundane, who wouldn't even let Hariya _watch_ Uri Geller on the TV, Uncle Vernon sure went out of his way to punish any attempts at magic. Uncle Vernon believed that magic wasn't real as strongly as Hariya believed it was, and they were each equally determined to prove they were right. She held up her fingers and snapped them just to make him angry.

"Hariya, I mean it!" Uncle Vernon said. "Go to your room!"

Hariya walked inside and headed up to the attic above the stairs where she slept. Like being sent to her room was a punishment. It's not like there was anything interesting to do outside.

But _inside_ her attic...

Hariya squeezed past the small bed and pushed on the heavy wooden frame leaning against the wall. Grunting and heaving, she moved it out of the way, revealing what looked to be just another part of the wall. Hariya fitted an expired credit card she had stolen from her aunt between a thin crack running up the wall and carefully pulled. Part of the wall swung open like a door, revealing the Shrine Of Interesting Things.

There was a poster of Einstein, stolen from the school library, and images of Captain James Cook, Theodore Roosevelt, and Neil Armstrong. There was the entire _Sandman_ collection, also stole from the library, worn with use, stacks of _Nancy Drew _novels and paperbacks by Asimov and Pohl, newspaper clippings about NASA and the moon landing, and everything about new planets and the potential for alien life. Pictures of Eratosthenes (Even Hariya couldn't imagine the look he must have had on his face when he realized the earth was round!), Robert Falcon Scott, and _not_ Doctor Manhattan (she hated _Watchmen_). And on and on, the walls covered with articles and images, stacks of fantasy, mystery, and science fiction novels piled high...

Hariya picked _Small Gods _out of the mountain of books and lay back on her bed, legs dangling over the end, and she started to read.

* * *

It should perhaps be noted at this time that the Shrine Of Interesting Things was the only thing keeping the world from being destroyed.

Hariya was an unusual girl. She was right-handed but left-footed, she could read, write, and do math at a ninth grade level even though she was due to start sixth grade when summer ended, and she was God, able to manipulate reality as easily as breathing. Hariya was unable to use her power deliberately. Perhaps this was fortunate, since her maturity, her teachers swore, was _not_ at a ninth-grade level, regardless of how well she did on tests. In fact, she was entirely unaware of her power, and it manifested itself entirely subconsciously. Other children would be chasing her and she would wind up on the roof of a house with no explanation, sometimes she could tell when people were lying, she had talked to a snake once...things like that.

And God was bored. So, so bored, of her boring life in boring Privet Drive, where every looked and acted the same, and no one aspired to do anything more than work a respectable job from 9 to 5 and come back home to eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Bored of her image-conscious aunt and uncle, her fat, piggish cousin, her life trapped in this closet, bored of _everything_.

Hariya wanted one thing in life, and that was to explore, to discover, for exciting things to happen and the boundaries of the world to fall away like a the sail of a ship passing the horizon.

Privet Drive was a fortress built to stand against all things interesting.

And God was impatient. Restless. Wished things weren't as they were.

Although God didn't know it, reality worked as God willed it. And if God willed reality otherwise, then all the laws of reality would follow like sheep.

The Shrine Of Interesting Things, the tabernacle of all the things that held God's interest, was all that kept God from sweeping our reality aside like table crumbs and replacing it with a world of aliens, monsters, and magic.

The school library was small. Its budget shrank every year.

Hariya Potter was running out of books.

* * *

"Girl! Girl!"

Someone banging on the door. Uncle Vernon. Hariya opened her eyes.

"Girl, you haven't set the table yet! Dinner's almost begun!"

Hariya glanced at the small hole in the far wall of the attic she used to determine the time. It was dark.

Her eyes slid down to the book, resting by her hand.

_Oh, no._

The door burst open. Uncle Vernon strode into the room.

"You, girl, did you fall asleep?" He was a large, fat man, and balding, and permanently angry with her. Then he saw the Shrine, which Hariya had not closed.

His eyes bulged, his face turned a nasty shade of purple, matching the vein that throbbed in his temple. He spluttered incoherently, choking on his own rage, and then bellowed, "WHAT THE RUDDY HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WALL, GIRL?" His feet pounded the floor as he made his way to the Shrine, intent on defiling it.

"No!" she cried, grabbing her book instinctively and running toward him. He grabbed her arm harshly, ripped the book out of her hand, threw it across the room. He yanked on her arm, leaning down, his small eyes glaring at her.

"This is my property!" he spat. "I took you in when your good-for-nothing parents died, and this is how you repay me? Forgetting your chores and ripping up my wall! You should be grateful that I let you eat!"

He pushed her away and turned to the Shrine. He pulled down the pile of books, kicked and stamped on them, ripped down the pictures and newspaper clippings, destroyed everything God cared for in her life.

"No!" Hariya shrieked, grabbing at his sweater. "Stop it!"

He spun and pushed her away, shoving her back several feet.

"You go set the table RIGHT NOW!" he thundered. "While I deal with this _vandalism_."

Hariya set the table. She sat across from her fat cousin, Dudley, as usual, and did not hear his typical teasing and bragging, egged on by his mother, Aunt Petunia, who talked about something she had seen one of their neighbors doing through the window. They were occasionally distracted by the sound of hammering. Twenty-five minutes later, Uncle Vernon came down, red-faced and sweating, with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"That's all taken care of!" he said loudly. "Won't have any more trouble like that around here!"

Hariya spooned soup into her mouth. Later, when dinner was finished and she had cleared and washed the plates and silverware and cleaned the table, she went back up to the attic above the stairs.

Wood boards were nailed to where the Shrine had been. The books and pictures were gone.

Nothing remained of value to God in our reality.

* * *

The next day, two things of note occurred. The first was that it was Hariya's eleventh birthday. There were no presents, of course, and no party, not that Hariya wanted one. Aunt Petunia was a bit less careless and cruel; Dudley and Uncle Vernon unchanged. The second was that a golden necklace appeared under Hariya's pillow that morning.

Hariya fished it out. It was light and beautiful, and on the necklace hung a perfect circle inside a perfect circle, and within the smaller circle was a thin disk, with an hourglass inscribed on the surface. Hariya slipped it on and hurried down to make breakfast.

Later that day, Hariya sat outside, looked around carefully to see if any of the Dursleys were watching, and took out the necklace. She peered carefully at the disk with the hourglass. She poked it. The disk wobbled, as if it could rotate, and so did the world.

Hariya looked around in shock. Had everything really just...? She poked it again. Yes, a wobble, almost as if the entire earth was deciding whether to flip upside down.

Hariya grinned. She took a deep breath and flicked the disk hard, and it rotated around, one, two, three, four, five, six times.

The world blurred, flickered, vanished at the same time that it came into focus. Concrete and asphalt became grass and tall trees, houses and cars disappeared, and so did the people, and suddenly Privet Drive was a long expanse of bright green grass and nothing else.

"Whoa," Hariya said. _Did I just teleport? Or...travel to a different world? Awesome!_

Hariya stood up, looking around at the long stretch of green in all directions. She breathed; the air was different, cleaner and purer, and smelled different, and a wild excitement rose up inside her. Her imagination spread out its wings and took flight.

_Finally!_

Hariya ran ran through the grass, which sloped gently upwards, until she stood high on a hill. She looked down as the world dropped away from her, her mind racing to fill up the space, and she threw back her head and laughed with pleasure. Down below, in the distance, Hariya could see lights. People? A town? _Wizards_?

* * *

Hariya dragged her feet as she made her way through the trees. She could see a lot farther in this air, she realized, and the city—for it was a city, a large one—was much farther away than she had realized. Her feet ached, and her hands were wrenched painfully behind her, her head pushed forward and down, and a knife was at her throat. Before she could so much as scream she was bound, blindfolded, and trundled along. Whoever had tied her up wasn't speaking, and their weren't even making a sound as they raced along. The sounds of the city grew closer, and a few minutes later whoever was carrying her jumped, once, twice, and they were off again. They carried Hariya for a while, in the air as much as on the ground, as best as she could tell, and then they stopped.

"What's this?" a voice said.

"My team captured her alone encroaching on our borders in the forest," a male voice said.

_We? There's more than one? I didn't notice!_

"A spy?" the first voice said. It sounded bored.

"Probably," the second voice said, the one holding her. It sounded even more bored.

"Fine, hand her over for interrogation."

Hariya was pushed forward and then dragged, as if the hands holding her had changed.

"Come on, kids, let's go pick up our payment," the second voice said.

"Man, I feel great!" a younger, boyish voice said loudly. "We caught a spy, like real shinobi!"

"We are real shinobi, moron," another young voice said, more serious in tone.

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Never mind, dumbass."

"I get it, Sasuke," a third voice, higher pitched and excited.

"Only that idiot wouldn't have," the second voice said, and the retort was lost as Hariya was pulled away like a sack of potatoes. Whoever it was pulled her along for awhile, handed her off to someone else, and so on until she was dropped unceremoniously on a hard stone floor. Her gag was torn away and sucked in air loudly.

"Ow! What is going on here? Who are you people? Where am I?"

Someone began remove the blindfold, and the blurry grey stone flashed into view for an instant.

"She could have an eye jutsu!" a voice snapped, and the blindfold was put back.

"Hey!" she shouted. "I'm just a girl, I'm not a spy. I turned eleven today, for crying out loud!"

"Young enough to have a bloodline limit," the voice said.

"_What the heck is a bloodline limit?_"

But there was no answer.


	2. Meeting Naruto

"Has she stopped talking?"

"Not once."

"Let me out of here!" Hariya kicked at the ground. "I know you can hear me 'cause I can hear you! Give me my necklace back!"

"We've had to rotate shifts at double the normal rate. Think it's some kind of jutsu?"

"A genjutsu without seals, just by sound? No way."

"WHAT THE HECK IS A GENJUTSU?"

"I swear, her voice is getting more and more high-pitched."

"BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SHOUTING FOR HOURS, MORONS!"

* * *

"Hokage-sama." The large man knelt and bowed his head.

"Ah, Ibiki," said a grey-bearded man sitting behind a desk. He looked up. "How goes the interrogation? I'm surprised you had to be called for a young girl."

"Ah, yes, about that...genjutsu aren't getting through," Ibiki said. "At all. It's like she doesn't even have chakra to manipulate."

"Some kind of seal?"

"No trace of chakra anywhere around her or within."

The hokage stroked his beard. "That's impossible. Perhaps a bloodline limit? Although I've never heard of any such thing."

"More pressingly, our investigation has yielded no results. We still have no idea who she is or why she was sneaking around in our forest, and I think you can agree that it's important we find out just who and what she is." Ibiki rubbed at the dark cap stretched over his bald head. "I need approval to proceed to more...primitive method of interrogation on a child."

"She's just a child," the hokage mused. "I am uncomfortable with torturing her."

"She's been torturing my men for hours," Ibiki said.

"No, it's unnecessary," the hokage said. "Not on a child, when her only crime is trespassing, and we don't even know if she is a spy. She was picked up rather easily by Kakashi's team, wasn't she?"

"There's no need to take risks, either," Ibiki said. "She might have wanted to be captured."

"A spy from any of the other villages would expect torture," the hokage said. "She might just be a little girl. And if she's not, she'll reveal her true nature in freedom, not locked in prison or even under your capable hands. I'll assign an ANBU squad to watch her every step. For now, bring her to me."

* * *

Hariya was roughly hauled up and marched out of the cell.

"Where are you taking me now?" she demanded, but there was no answer. "Hey! Anyone listening?"

She was marched for several minutes, handed off and walked up stairs, down stairs, around and around, until she was stopped. Her hands were untied and the blindfold removed, and before she could so much as turn around and plant her foot in someone's crotch she was pushed through a door, and she stumbled and fell to her knees. She pushed herself up, glanced behind her—

"Oh, please stand, I can't be fussed with all this bowing, not from young girls," an elderly voice said.

Hariya whirled around, the world still coming into focus. She was in...an office? There was an old man sitting behind a desk smoking a pipe.

"Who're you?" Hariya demanded.

"My name is hokage-sama," the old man said. "I am the leader of Konohagakure."

"Konoha-what?" Hariya said. "Where is this place? What's going on?"

"This is England. Are you not from around here?"

"Of course I'm from England! And this is definitely not England."

"No?" the elderly man said. He seemed surprised. "Then where are we?"

Hariya thought about this. "Outer space?" she tried hopefully. "Atlantis?"

"What is Outer Space Atlantis?"

"Never mind.

"No matter," the old man said . He smiled, wrinkles spreading across his face. "May I ask your name?"

"Hariya Potter, sixth grade."

"Sixth grade? Is that a very high level?"

"I'm really at a ninth-grade level."

"_Ninth_ grade? My, my. And what was a ninth-grader doing in my forest, pray tell?"

"_Your_ forest?" Hariya exclaimed. "Well, _excuse_ me. I didn't know we were just going around claiming forests. What are you doing in my office?"

"You are really quite annoying," Hokage-sama said in a friendly voice. "Yet I'm afraid I can't let you go free until I have a better sense of who you are and what danger you might pose to my village."

"Hariya Potter. I'm a sixth grader! We're not dangerous, I promise." Hariya folded her arms. "And I didn't realize I was trespassing so I don't see why your goons had to tie me up like that, putting their hands on my head and mutter about genjujus and chakawhatever and all that. Haven't you guys ever heard of the Geneva Convention?"

"I'm afraid not."

Hariya wasn't sure either except that it had something to do with captured prisoners. "Well, you better not mess with me, or the Genevians will get you!" she said.

The old man's eyes narrowed. "So you're from Geneva, are you? Or their hidden village?"

"I'm not saying _anything." _Hariya pinched her thumb and index finger together and ran it across her lips, making a twisting motion at the end.

"I see. In that case, I'm afraid I can't allow you to roam freely within my village. Whether you're a spy or—"

"What?" Hariya cried. "No, that's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. The more dangerous you think I am, the nicer you have to be with me. That's how it works."

Hokage-sama stood up from his chair. He was taller than he appeared while sitting.

"If you think the House of Tudor can be intimidated by some fledgling nation, you are mistaken. I don't know who the king of Geneva thinks he is—"

"Oh, it's not just Geneva," Hariya said, waving a finger. "It's the whole United Nations. Europe and Russia and America and everyone, basically."

"You must think I am a fool," Hokage-sama said. "There is no and never will be an alliance within the continent, let alone with Russia. Who would be crazy to trust that Ivan? _And what the hell is America?"_

"It's in outer space," Hariya said. If where she was _now_ was in outer space, then technically it was true, wasn't it?

"America resides in Outer Space Atlantis, you say? Yet I have never heard of it. Are you from there?"

"Yes." Also true, technically.

Hokage-sama fixed his eyes on hers. "And you are their emissary? Their spy?"

"Well, I'm not American, I'm British," Hariya said. "If I was American I'd be talking liking this," She contorted her voice into her best approximation of an American accent, "Oh, I wonder how far my gun can shoot? Let's measure that in units with random conversion factors, eh, homeboys?"

"_What_?"

"So you had best not bother me or they'll _nuke_ you."

"What kind of a jutsu is nuke?

Hariya had no idea what a jutsu was. "The biggest jutsu," Hariya bluffed. "So big."

They stared into each others's eyes, daring the other to blink. Finally, Hokage-sama looked away.

The old man sat down heavily. "I see," he said, looking at his desk. "And what was their reason for sending you?"

"They didn't send me," Hariya said. "I just wound up here, okay? Because of the n—" Hariya stopped. "I just teleported or something."

Hokage-sama took a document out of his desk. "Indeed. Well, if that is truly the case, then I can allow you to walk freely in the village, although I can't let you leave. We have housing for those with nowhere else to this to the Office of Housing and Work on the third floor." He scribbled something on the paper and affixed a large black stamp to the top right of the paper.

"Thanks, I guess," Hariya said, taking the paper. Couldn't be worse than Privet Drive, could it?

"I'll have one of my men help you find the place," Hokage-sama said. "Welcome to Konoha."

"Sure thing," Hariya said, turning around and heading to the door. She opened it and stopped suddenly, turning back to the old man.

"And give me my necklace back!"

* * *

"That's it right there," the man accompanying Hariya said, pointing at the large yellow building with a brick-orange roof.

"It's ugly," Hariya said.

The man shrugged unsympathetically. This was the worst mission he had been on since...actually, no, this was the worst mission he had ever been on. A-rank, easily, if not higher.

"Are you going to hold my hand up the stairs too?" Hariya said.

He almost snapped. "No, just go inside so I can report that I finished my mission.

She didn't even answer, just walked inside.

The inside of the apartment was narrow, with thin walls made of crumbling wood and cracking paint. Hariya made her way up and around, leading to a small porch in front of a line of doors. A blonde boy in a t-shirt and shorts sat on the rail, spooning noodles into his mouth.

Hariya walked over to him. "Hey, do you know which is room 237?"

The boy's eyes widened, and he choked on his noodles. Hacking and coughing, he almost falling off the rail before Hariya grabbed him.

He coughed again, spitting out bits of noodle. "Room 237? That's—Hey, you're that spy!" He jumped away, landing balanced on the rail, hands poised to fight. "How did you escape?"

Hariya put her hands on her hips. "I'm not a spy, and I escaped because that old Hokage-something guy let me out." She held up her housing document as proof. "See, it's got his signature and stamp and everything." The boy approached carefully and snatched the paper out of her hand. He studied it carefully.

Hariya tapped her foot impatiently. "How long does it take you to read?"

The boy's face was defensive. "No one ever believed in me. I've spent most of my formative years looking for a father figure."

"What_ever_."

"Well, it's definitely his signature, anyway." He smiled, wide and honest. "If you're all right with the Hokage then you're all right with me. I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I'm going to be Hokage and make the whole village acknowledge me!" He thrust a thumb at himself proudly.

"I'm Hariya Potter and I'm going to live the most interesting life ever."

"Well, you've gotten off to a good start." Naruto leaned in and whispered conspiratorially. He had three horizontal lines running along each cheek like the whiskers of a fox. "No one has lived in Room 237 for years...not since the _murder_ happened."

Hariya's eyes were wide.

"_Cool_."

* * *

The room was mostly bare and plain, with a thin, itchy carpet and a small bed that squeaked loudly when Hariya sat on it.

"It's not much," Naruto muttered.

"Are you kidding?" Hariya bounced on the bed, producing an awful racket. "This is awesome." She got up suddenly and began feeling around the walls. "I wonder where I'll put my Shrine."

"Shrine?" Naruto watched quizzically as she felt her way around the room.

"Yeah, like, a collection of all the cool stuff in my life. What's interesting about you, Nar-Nar?"

"Nar-Nar?" Naruto asked, agape.

Hariya felt her way around the last of the wall. "Just testing out nicknames. We'll see what sticks. Man, this stuff is thin. I could probably stick my finger through i—whoops."

"Ah, don't worry about it," Naruto said, grinning, knotting his hands behind his head. "I wreck my room all the time training."

"Training?" Hariya looked up from the small hole. "Just what is it you do, Mr. Naruto?"

"I'm a shinobi!" Naruto said.

"What's that?"

"I'm a ninja!"

Time stopped. Hariya's shriek of excitement occurred beyond the mere grasp of space-time, an extradimensional explosion of joy.

Time started, and our universe was not sucked into a multidimensional vortex that would have ripped apart our very concepts of the fundamental aspects of physical law along with everything else.

"Prove it prove it prove it right now! Do something ninja!"

"Not a problem!" Naruto pinched the metal band on his forehead. "I'll show you a shadow clone!"

Hariya nodded and Naruto stepped back, coughed, flexed and stretched a bit—

"Come on, come on." Hariya's fingers drummed against her leg.

Naruto placed his hands in front of him at right angles to each other with the two longest fingers extended. He concentrated for a second, and with a sudden _boof! _and a cloud of smoke a second Naruto stood by the first, grinning and scratching the back of his head.

"Awesome!" Hariya poked the second Naruto. "How'd you do that?"

"It's a jutsu." Naruto wore a proud smile.

"Any ninja can do stuff like this," the second Naruto said.. "But I'm going to be the best!"

Hariya pinched the second Naruto's cheek.. "Is it sentient?" she asked, meaning the clone. She had learned the word in one of her science fiction books.

"What's that mean?"

"It's like, is he aware of his own awareness?"

Naruto shrugged. "Probably." He held up two fingers in front of his mouth, tensed for a moment, and the clone disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Teach me how to do that," Hariya demanded

"Okay!" Naruto spread his legs apart, squatting, and brought his arms up perpendicular, crossing at two extended fingers. "Do like I do."

"Okay, now what?"

Naruto grinned. "Now...you shadow clone!"

"Right!" Hariya said. "What?"

"And...shadow clone!" Again there was loud puff of smoke and a second Naruto appeared next to the first, smirking proudly.

"Okay!" Hariya said. "Shadow clone!"

"That's the spirit!" both Narutos said. "Come on! Shadow clone!"

"Shadow clone!"

"Shadow clone"

"Shadow...clone!"

"SHAAAAADOW CLONE!"

"SHEEEAAAAAARGH CLOOOOOOONEAGH!"

* * *

Hariya sat on her bed while Naruto lay on the floor, gasping for breath.

"Dying!" he panted. "Need...chakra!"

Hariya poked him with her foot. "What's chakra? And how come it didn't work for me?"

"You...must be...a no-talent...loser!" Naruto gasped. "Get me...ramen!"

"I'm not a loser!" Hariya said. She felt frustrated and annoyed. "I'm usually really good at everything. I even read and write and do math at a ninth grade level."

"Ramen!"

"Get it yourself!"

* * *

"So what does a ninja do, exactly?"

"All kinds of things," Naruto said. "Find people's lost cats, painting houses super fast—I'm the best at it because I can use shadow clones—apologizing for pranks..."

_Boring_, Hariya thought as Naruto's list went on.

"...And there was the time when we escorted a bridge-builder guy and we got attacked by these crazy ninjas there was this guy with this huge sword and he was all like 'I am the Demon Zabuza grrr' and this chick with ice powers..."

"Whoa!" Hariya exclaimed. "What happened?

"I beat him. With my shadow clones, a clever plan, and some teamwork," Naruto said.

"Nice!"

"Yeah, first I used my shadow clones, and then I was all like _fshwaah!_ with my throwing stars - I have throwing stars - and then I punched the chick, but like _so_ hard..."

* * *

"So where're you from, anyway?" Naruto said in between loud slurps of ramen.

"England," Hariya sighed, looking out over the railing, sitting on a beaten chair Naruto had dragged out. She was bored again now that it looked like she wouldn't be developing magical powers.

"Me too! So what were you doing wandering in the forest? Mm, ramen."

"I didn't know you ninjas kidnapped people for sneaking around in forests," Hariya said. "I'm just looking for something interesting to do."

"You should be a ninja!" Naruto said. "It's a life of adventure. We go on missions and stuff."

"Rescuing cats."

"Hey!" Naruto pointed his chopsticks at her. "That's just cuz I'm a genin. When I pass the chunin test, I'll go on all kinds of real badass missions!"

"Chunin test?" Hariya looked at Naruto with renewed interest. "What's that?"

"Genin are junior ninja, like me. And chunin are middle ninja. They do all kinds of kickass stuff."

"Okay!" Hariya said, eyes shining fiercely. "Let's become chunin! How do we take this test?"

Naruto drank the remaining broth and wiped his mouth with the back of his arm. "I dunno. Sakura knows about stuff. I just do shadow clones."

"What's a Sakura?"

Naruto's eyes lit up. "The most beautiful girl in the world. She's got pink hair and the biggest forehead you've ever seen, and she's super smart and knows everything that I forgot from school or never learned because no one has ever believed in me."

"There's a school for learning how to use awesome supernatural powers?" For some reason, the idea felt familiar and true.

"Yeah, school blows."

"Alright, let's find this Sakura and become chunin, Naruto!"

"Uh..." Naruto squinted. "You don't know any jutsus."

"That doesn't matter."

Naruto's hand slapped down hard on the wooden railing. His face was furious, contorted in a mad fox's snarl.

"Don't joke about things you don't understand!" he shouted. "The life of a shinobi isn't easy. You can't just waltz in here and become a chunin just because you say so! It takes years of hard work and training." He stopped suddenly, glaring at her, breathing heavily.

"What_ever_. I said I'm going to be a chunin, so I'm going to be a chunin." She grabbed his wrist and yanked him with her. "Now let's go find this 'Sakura' and make her give us the chunin test. Don't worry, I read, write, _and_ do math at a ninth grade level."

* * *

"Naruto, stop bothering me!"

A pink-haired creature with a forehead like Olympus Mons stuck its head out of the window.

"I told you not to bother me when I'm at home!"

"Hey, Sakura, come on down." Naruto waved. "Tell us about the chunin test."

"We won't be ready to take the test for a few more years at least!" Sakura shouted. "We only just became genin, and frankly Kakashi hasn't taught us a thing. Besides, something like that is way too dangerous." She peered down at Hariya. "Who's this, your new girlfriend?"

Hariya fixed her vision on Sakura.

"You," she said. "I will dress you in a bunny outfit." It felt right.

Sakura paused.

"She seems nice. OK, I'll come down. Wait there."

A minute later Sakura came out the door wearing...Hariya had no idea. Some kind of sack with bike shorts? Alien fashions were bizarre.

"Naruto, did you forget everything Iruka-sensei told us about the chunin exam back in school?" she said. The pink-haired _thing_ glanced at Hariya. "I'm Haruno—wait, I know you! We caught you in the forest!"

Hariya's crotch-kicking foot twitched instinctively. "Oh, I didn't recognize you."

"It's cool, she's friendly," Naruto said. "Hey, Sakura, you look really pretty today."

"Stuff it, Naruto." To Hariya: "So are you a Konoha genin too?"

"I'm a sixth-grader from England. Why is your forehead so big?"

"Hey, Sakura, she wants to become a chunin too, it's great, it's cool," Naruto said soothingly as a vein in Sakura's temple began to throb.

"Shut up, Naruto. Listen, you, I don't know what a 'sixth-grader' is, but becoming a chunin isn't easy."

Hariya shrugged. "If you're in the running it can't be too hard."

Sakura's eyelid twitched. "If you're not even a genin, there's no way you could become a chunin. It's never happened."

Hariya stared at Sakura with a blank expression. "Make it so."

* * *

"Hokage-sama, preparations for the second trial have been finalized."

The old man in his simple white robes nodded. "Very well, then let's—ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET?"

"I have a flak jacket covering about 20, 25 percent of my body. Sometimes."

"Doesn't it get cold?"

"Nah, I just curse seal it up when I get chilly."

Hokage-sama paused. "Okay, you're definitely not supposed to do that."

The kunoichi rubbed the spot behind her left shoulder. "It's his 'gift' to me. I'll use it as I see fit."

A chunin walking by with a stack of papers couldn't help but glance at the hokage and the high-ranking jonin. "'His?'"

Hokage-sama turned toward the window, gazing at the blue sky. "My most talented pupil...and my greatest failure."

"It wasn't your fault," the kunoichi said. "He was twisted to the core from the beginning."

Hokage-sama shook his head. "If I had only killed him that day...or paid more attention to all the murders and corpses that started disappearing at the same time that he began researching forbidden jutsu."

"F-forbidden jutsu?" the chunin gasped, almost dropping the stack of paper.

"Yes...that man," the hokage said, "One of the Three Sannin..."

"T-the Three Sannin?" the chunin gasped, dropping the stack of papers.

"Dammit, Hasook!" the hokage muttered. "Yes, one of the Three Sannin, Orochimaru!"

"O-Oroch—"

"Stop that!"

Hokage-sama turned to the kunoichi. "Anko, you should be more careful with the cursed seal. It eats away at your body."

"It's burning again, even through the seal you placed on it, Hokage-sama," Anko admitted. "I think he's back."

"B-back?"

"Get out of here!"

When the chunin had hastily gathered up his papers and left, Hokage-sama approached Anko.

"You really think he's back?"

"The seal is getting stronger."

Hokage-sama stroked his grey beard. "And the chunin exams are about to start, held in Konoha this year. Call it an old man's intuition, but I feel that there may be a connection."

"Then we'll increase the security even more. Whatever he's planning, we ANBU will stop it."

Hokage-sama sighed, a long, slow breath. "That may not be enough. Orochimaru is...powerful. Maybe if the other Sannin were here...or the Fourth...but I, I cannot defeat him."

"Hokage-sama—"

"I do not know if there is anyone in the village today who can defeat an Orochimaru bent on revenge. I am afraid I might not be able to fulfill my duties as Hokage."

"No," Anko said, "You're the Third Hokage, you carry the Will of Fire—"

But Hokage-sama only shook his head. "Orochimaru was my most talented student, and he undoubtedly has grown unimaginably more powerful through the use of forbidden and invented jutsu. His enormous chakras, his giant snakes—"

"His ability to fly."

"—His well-known ability to fly," Hokage-sama agreed. "He is strongly than me." He said it with the simplicity of a known fact.

The Third Hokage turned away, slowly walking to his office.

"There must be some way!" Anko cried after him.

He stopped in front of the door, turned his head so that he could see her.

He smiled grimly. "Perhaps if the laws of reality themselves could be altered, we might have a chance."

He stepped inside his office, closing the door behind him.

* * *

Deep in in a pit underground where hardly any light reached, a long, thin sword pulled out of the Fourth Kazekage's chest with a _shhhlk_. A tongue held it by the hilt, and drew the sword up and inside the mouth of a tall, pale man, with long black hair, who swallowed the sword whole, blood and steel, like a snake eating a rat.

Another man stepped out of the shadows, pale blonde hair tied back in a ponytail.

"Well done, Orochimaru-sama. With this, we have secured control of the Sand." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

The pale man licked his lips, the tongue trembling and dancing as it flicked through the air. "The chunin exam is in a month. We will have to prepare a..._special_ team to send to good old Konoha to represent the Sand. Deal with the body, Kabuto."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."

The pale man smiled thinly. "Begin Operation: Crush The Leaf."

"We began that when we killed the Kazekage, Orochimaru-sama."

"Begin Phase Two!"


	3. Team 7: Adventure Friends!

"Write this down," Hariya said as she, Naruto, and Sakura walked down the street of Konohagakure. "At the top: List of Goals for Hariya the Adventurer While She's In The Ninja Village." Naruto patted his clothes for a pen or piece of paper.

"One: find out how ninja powers work and how to get them." Hariya said. Naruto looked beseechingly at Sakura, who rolled her eyes.

"Two: find out where I am and explore it."

"I won't ever let down my friends or betray my promises," Naruto muttered, biting his fingertips until he drew blood. Hurriedly he began to scribble letters on the sleeve of his bright orange jacket.

"Three: find whoever the Prime Minister of ninjas is and conquer this land in the name of Great Britain!" (Hariya had learned some unfortunate lessons from some of her historical heroes)

"What?" Sakura shrieked as Naruto desperately tried to keep the blood from running. In an instant Sakura had a knife out and leveled it at Hariya. "I knew it! You are a spy!"

Hariya sneered. "Don't you know violence is the last refuge of the incompetent? Anyway, I'm not a spy. Spies are liars and I believe in the power of truth!" (Hariya took her books far too seriously)

"Of course I know violence is the last refuge of the incompetent," Sakura said. "We shinobi are trained to use it as a first refuge."

"So why'd you brandish your knife in front of me and challenge me like that?"

"Sneak attacks never work. It would look like I had killed you, but then you'd just turn into a log and disappear."

"_What_?"

"Hey, the blood dried." Naruto proudly showed Hariya his bloody jacket sleeve. "What's next?"

"EEEEK! WHAT IS _WRONG _WITH YOU?"

* * *

"It's not like I even have a flag to plant anyway," Hariya mused. Naruto spat on his sleeve and wiped at it.

"Ninjas don't use flags." Sakura had put the knife away but still watched Hariya suspiciously. "We approach stealthily in the darkness."

"I'm not a ninja," Hariya said. "I'm an Adventurer. And you two are my Adventure Friends."

"What friends?" Sakura said.

"Adventure what?" Naruto said.

"Okay!" Hariya shouted, coming to a halt. She turned to face her new minions. "Listen up and listen good, maties! You are hereby officially conscripted into the British Navy by the power vested in me by the Kingdom of Britannia, Commodore Potter of the 5th Royal Fleet!"

"Uhhh..." Naruto put his fingers in his lips again. "Am I shupposhed to be writing shish down?"

"No! No more writing!"

"Yes! _Finally_!"

"Now listen!" Hariya glared at Naruto until he held still. "As seamen, you will obey me, your commanding officer-"

"Did you say Britannia?" Sakura interrupted. "What century are you from?"

"Don't interrupt your commanding officer! Our mission is to take this land in the name of Britain-"

"This _is_ Britain-"

"So first we need a flag."

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"To plant it in the ground, of course. That's how you claim something in the name of something else."

"Oh." Naruto's eyes swelled as he began to understand geopolitics for the first time in his life.

Hariya grabbed her new conscripts by the wrist and started walking, dragging them along. "Take me to where we can get fabric and colors."

"But you're pulling us in the wrong direction!"

* * *

"You're lucky Kakashi-sensei has a meeting today," Sakura said as Naruto carried out a thick stack of fabric at Hariya's direction.

"Who?"

"Our sensei."

"Your what?"

"He trains us and leads us on missions and stuff," Naruto supplied.

"Hasn't taught us a thing," Sakura muttered. "Doesn't lead too much, for that matter."

"You guys can forget that stuff," Hariya said. "Now you're my seamen." Hariya had never even seen the ocean in her life, but she had seen pictures, darn it, and she knew she would find her way onto a ship someday exploring the coast of a foreign land.

"Sounds good," Naruto said.

"Naruto!" Sakura glared at him. "You're part of the Konohagakure military. If you defect now, you'll never become Hokage!"

"What?" Naruto dropped the stack of parchment. He whirled around and faced Hariya. "Don't you ever get in the way of me becoming Hokage! It's my dream!"

Hariya placed two fingers on his forehead and pushed him back. "Whoa there, Ordinary Seaman. What's the fuss here? Hokage Sama or whatever his name is is doing fine."

"It's not a name, it's a title," Sakura said. "The Hokage is the leader of all the ninja in Konoha."

"Yeah, and I'm going to become Hokage and make the whole village acknowledge me!" Naruto said, breathing heavily, his face contorted into a fox's snarl.

"I don't care," Hariya said. "Become Hokage or whatever."

"I can't if I join your army!"

"It's not an army, it's a navy." Hariya rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you outer space ninjas kill me."

"Navy?"

"Yeah, so it's fine. Anyway, grab the fabric and let's go. Now we need the right colors. Blue, red, and white."

Naruto thought. "All we usually have in the village is orange, yellow, grey, purple, and black. A lot of people just wear fishnet."

"We can get those colors from the forest, though," Sakura said. "Not that I support this or anything." She gestured at her own...sack thing. "That's where this color came from."

"Okay, can I just ask a question?" Hariya said in a raised voice. "Why do you ninjas dress in the brightest, most obvious colors possible?"

"Sasuke wears blue," Naruto said. "Where do you think he got that?"

"The Uchiha's secret horde, I'm sure," Sakura sniffed.

Hariya glanced back and forth between them. "What's a Saskay?"

"Sasuke," Sakura breathed dreamily.

"Sasuke!" Naruto growled.

"Whatever, I do not care. Let's just get the colorful flowers from the forest."

"You got it!" Naruto beamed. "I'll help you make your flag. I never let an Adventure Friend down!"

"Great!" Hariya clapped her hands. "What are we looking for?"

Naruto thought. And kept thinking.

"I'll go with you," Sakura finally sighed. "I know which plants we need."

"That's Sakura for you!" Naruto said proudly, pinching the metal strap on his forehead. "She's read every book in the library twice."

Sakura started walking, waving her hand to motion them to follow."It was a small book. Most of the plants and animals aren't named or described. Shinobi are pragmatic."

Hariya skidded to a halt. "Wait a second," she gasped. "You're telling me there's a gigantic forest right outside the village that's full of plants and animals that no one's ever written down anything about?"

Sakura looked at her. "Yeah, so?"

Hariya's eyes were as round as saucers. "I'm going to be a naturalist!" she shrieked. "It's one of my dreams!"

"Yes!" Naruto shouted triumphantly, pumping his fists in the air. "What's a naturalist? Let's make this happen!"

"Get me pens! A notepad! A microscope! Measuring tools! An official Explorer Hat!"

Naruto and Sakura glanced at each other. "We have quills and blank scrolls?"

"It's a start!"

* * *

Kakashi kept his face carefully blank as he waited in the Hokage's office. He sensed a presence by the door, although no one made a sound.

Hokage-sama winked at him. Kakashi's face remained neutral. There was a knock at the door.

"Ah, that must the ANBU commander! Do come in!" Hokage-sama said loudly.

The door opened, and in walked a man carrying a folder and wearing a dog mask over his face. "Hokage-sama, thank you for this meeting. ANBU has urgent information to report regarding subjects K-9 and K-11."

"Don't you mean K-10?" Kakashi sighed. "Naruto and Sasuke have been getting along better and mostly staying out of trouble."

"Use the code names, the code names!" the ANBU commander winced.

"Actually, there's a K-11 now, Kakashi," Hokage-sama said, "And it concerns you, apparently."

"K-11?" Kakashi's impassive facade almost wavered. "There's another child in the village who has been assigned the maximum security threat level?"

Hokage-sama nodded. "And according to ANBU reports, she attached herself to K-9 immediately."

The ANBU commander coughed. "Perhaps if Hokage-sama had not assigned K-11 to the same living unit as K-9..."

Hokage-sama grimaced. "Yes, that was my mistake. If K-11 has a target, it is most likely Naruto. Ah, I mean, K-9." He hid his mouth behind his sleeve as the ANBU commander's body jerked at the security leak.

"Just what is this K-11?" Kakashi asked. "And when did it establish contact with my student?"

Hokage-sama nodded at the ANBU commander, who addressed Kakashi. "First of all, this is top secret."

"I was in ANBU too, I know the K-section security level and how to keep my mouth shut," Kakashi said in his dry voice. "Cut to the chase."

The ANBU commander handed Kakashi the folder, who flipped it open and skimmed the contents in an instant, although he pretended to read it for almost a minute. "Hariya Potter, codename K-11, appeared in our village just yesterday morning. She was picked up by your team in our forest."

"The little girl?" Kakashi finished pretending to read the contents of the folder and handed it back to the commander. "She's been assigned to the K-section?"

"She has no chakra."

"What?" Kakashi's voice betrayed genuine shock.

"Our top genjutsu interrogators worked her for hours, naturally. No response. They said it was as if she had no chakra to mold."

"If she doesn't have chakra, she's not alive. There must have been a seal or a jutsu of her own. A kekkai genkai that's not in our files."

"Her hands were tied, her eyes were covered, they gagged her mouth. There was no jutsu. No evidence of a seal anywhere. What kind of kekkai genkai can wipe out any trace of chakra?"

"Clearly there is one," Kakashi said. "Since you did not find any chakra, she is either dead or fooling you. Is she not dead? Then she is fooling you."

"That is why we assigned her the highest security threat," the commander said. Kakashi could see that he didn't like being talked down to by a former operative, but Kakashi's equilibrium was disturbed. Such a dangerous child was after Naruto. There could only be one reason why.

* * *

The forest that met their vision beyond the gates of Konoha was vast and and green. With quick, practiced motions Naruto and Sakura leapt into the branches of two nearby trees.

"Come on!" Naruto shouted. "Let's get going!"

"Get down here!" Hariya said. "I have to describe and draw every flora and fauna in this entire forest. That means being systematic."

"Oh, right," Naruto said. He scratched the back of his head. "I thought we were getting dyes or something?"

"First science, then conquest!"

"Oh, okay."

"I can't believe I turned down a date with Sasuke for this," Sakura muttered as she and Naruto clambered back down.

"Now you get to go on a date with me," Naruto said cheerfully. "Loads better, huh?" He ducked under a thrown rock.

"No fighting, you two," Hariya said absentmindedly. She knelt down and looked carefully at the grass in front of her. "Hmm. Yes. I do say. Indeed. This appears to be...grass. Green, with strains of yellow and brown. Approximately...yea high. It's natural habitat appears to be...the ground. I do believe this is a new discovery! Conscript Naruto, my quill and parchment!"

"You're holding them."

"Exactly!" Hariya quickly sketched a patch of grass, including helpful notes like 'this is the green part if I could do it in color,' with an arrow pointing helpfully. "Now we just need to send this to the Royal Society!"

"I think we've already discovered grass," Sakura said dryly. "Trees too," she said as Hariya began to inspect the tree Naruto had just climbed. "You know what? I'll just go collect the dyes. I know where they are."

"I'll come with you!" Naruto said.

"No," Sakura and Hariya said simultaneously.

"You need to stay here and be my assistant," Hariya said. "Every naturalist has a faithful servant."

"No," Sakura said. "Just...no."

She quickly climbed a tree and hopped from branch to branch until she couldn't be seen. Naruto watched her go and smiled happily.

"One day, when I get really strong and everyone acknowledges me, I'm going to make her my girlfriend."

"I'm going to put her in a bunny suit," Hariya said. "I need a name for this species of bug here."

"Ninja ant."

Hariya pointed at another one. "Alien worm."

"Dream beetle."

"Magical root."

"Friendship bird."

"Discovery bunny."

Naruto peered at the brown lump. "I think that's just a rock."

"Discovery rock!"

Naruto watched her sketch the rock carefully, labeling made-up parts. "Being a naturalist is your dream, huh?"

"It's _one_ of my dreams," Hariya said, offended.

"My dream is to become Hokage and have the whole village acknowledge me," Naruto said. "So I have to train every day to become the strongest ninja I can be."

"You mean the sneakiest ninja."

"Uh, yeah. But it's hard," Naruto said, looking off into the distance. "I've never had any friends before. The whole village shunned me for as long as I can remember."

"That's a shame." Hariya poked through the dirt for more bugs.

"Yeah," Naruto sighed. "And my parents died when I was born, and I never really had much of a father figure unless you count Iruka-sensei, and for a while I thought he just thought I was a loser."

Now Hariya looked up with interest. "My parents died too! They were eaten by a crocodile after they crashed into it." She pointed at the lightning-shaped scar on her forehead. "That's how I got this. Ever since then, I had to live with my fat, imagination-hating aunt and uncle and cousin."

"Wow, I feel like we have so much in common," Naruto said earnestly. "My parents were killed by," his voice dropped, "The Nine Tailed Demon Fox!"

"Demon? Go on!"

Naruto's eyes flickered. "It's a terrible demon. It destroyed half of our entire village. It even killed my mother and father."

"Wow," Hariya said. "That's so coo-uh, terrible. Very sad."

Naruto didn't seem to hear. "My mother died in childbirth. And my father got infected by smallpox, dysentary, cholera, ergotism, influenza, leprosy, typhoid and measles all at once. He died instantly."

"I thought you said they were killed by a demon fox."

"Those are the nine tails of the demon," Naruto said quietly. He leaned back and smiled, knotting his fingers behind his head. "Oh well! Stuff like that happens, you know. A lot of people lost their family. Iruka sensei lost his parents too. You know what's really odd about it? I thought the village was shunning me because I didn't have any parents or any talent, but it turns out the demon fox was sealed inside me." He patted his stomach proudly. "Right here. I keep it all locked up so the village doesn't have to suffer from another plague. Don't tell Sakura or Sasuke though! I think it'd make things weird. I feel like I can tell you though. You talk like you're from a different planet, so it's already weird. Ow!"

* * *

"ANBU agents are tailing them," the ANBU commander said. "She appears to have befriended K-9 and one of his teammates."

"Sakura," Kakashi murmured. Sasuke wasn't the type to make friends so quickly.

"She's made no overt threat yet," the commander continued. "Whatever kekkai genkai is hiding her chakra will have to be released before she can capture K-9, which will give us some warning."

"That's dangerous to rely on," Kakashi said. "You don't know when she could strike. We should eliminate her now."

"There is something both of you need to know," Hokage-sama said. "Our code breakers have intercepted new messages from the court of Richard. They appear to be communications between the court and their hidden village."

"The Sand?" Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?"

"We've only partially broken the code," Hokage-sama said. "But what we have translated speaks of a youth, a 'plant,' someone inserted into our village to spy, and most critically, a tailed beast."

"Naruto," Kakashi said grimly.

"K-9!" the ANBU commander said. "K-9!"

"But how do we know it's about someone coming here? Now?" Kakashi asked.

"Because it mentions the chunin exams as the time for the mission to be executed," Hokage-sama said. "My best guess is that the Sand intends to use the chunin exams as a cover to take the tailed beast while Konoha is distracted. Kakashi, is your team ready for the chunin exams?"

"No."

"All the better. Submit them. It will not be expected. It will mean that our attention is not torn between the exams and protecting the tailed beast. It will also deprive K-11 of plausible excuses to spend time with Naruto, who will be busy with the exams."

"The exams also put my team's life at risk," Kakashi said. "Including the one this maneuver is designed to protect. Let's remove K-11 now."

"Hariya Potter may not be who the message refers to," Hokage-sama said. "Nor, as we have seen, will interrogating her yield anything valuable. I believe that our best choice is to keep Naruto-sorry, K-9 within the confines of the chunin exam, keeping him within our focus and beyond our enemy's grasp."

Kakashi rubbed at where his skintight black mask covered his chin. "I don't like this, but if this is your order, I'll do it. I hope you don't mind if I accelerate their training."

Hokage-sama nodded. "We might as well develop the talents of K-9 and K-10 while we have them."

"And I want to see this K-11."

"I can take you to her," the ANBU commander said.

"Very well," Hokage-sama said. "Dismissed!"

* * *

"So there's a magical fox demon with some kind of disease bomb?" Hariya was still trying to figure this out.

Naruto shrugged. "I wasn't there. It's sealed inside me now, so we're safe. Although one type I got really mad when I thought Sasgay had died and I punched this chick so hard that she got leprosy and died."

"Huh. And why was the fox sealed inside _you_?"

Naruto turned his head to the side. "Uh. I never thought about that." He grabbed his forehead protector. "Probably because the village could see my inner talent and knew only I could control the beast!"

"And how's that been working out for you? Who sealed the fox in you, anyway?"

Naruto leapt to his feet. "That's easy. The Fourth Hokage! The most badass of all the Hokages, who are the most badass ninjas in the world. He was blond and awesome, and-"

"He was blond?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Naruto, stupid, there are like two blond people in the entire village that I've seen, and you're one of them. There are people with dark hair, blue hair, pink hair, purple hair, green hair, white hair, but not much blond hair. So let me get this straight: this guy, the only other blond guy in the village, happens to be right near you, a newborn baby, when he needs someone to seal a fox into."

"Ye-e-es. That sounds right."

"Naruto, I think the Fourth Hokage was your dad."

"Bwaaah?" Naruto almost fell over. "My dad? But I don't have a dad!"

"Of course you have a dad, moron," Hariya said. "Don't make me throw another rock at you. Your dad would have been blond. He died when you were a newborn baby. Only he would think to seal a fox into _you_. ...Naruto?"

"...%%%%%%" Naruto said.

"Okay then, that's enough mind blown for one day."

"My dad was the Hokage!" Naruto shouted. "It's in my blood! I'm going to become Hokage!"

"You can't become Hokage yet, Naruto," Sakura said, landing with a thump beside them. She handed a basket of flowers and roots to Hariya. "These are your dyes, and you can make a pale bleach from the roots."

"How?"

"Don't know."

"Hey, Sakura! I'm so glad to see you aga-"

"No."

"Okay! Why can't I become Hokage yet?"

"You're not even a chunin yet. Honestly, Naruto, don't you know anything?"

"So become a chunin," Hariya said. "Do the exam."

"Yeah!" Naruto said. "I'll become a chunin."

"We only just became genin," Sakura said as patiently as she could. "There's now way we're taking the chunin exams this year."

"Congratulations! You're all taking the chunin exam this year!"

"Yes!" Naruto shouted.

"But...we're not ready!" Sakura shrieked.

"AHHHHH!" Hariya screamed as a man apparated right beside them. Everying below his eyes was covered in a black skintight mask, and he had a metal strap like Naruto's that came over his left eye instead of covering his forehead. "WHO ARE YOU AND HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"

"Oh, Kakashi-sensei is always doing that," Naruto said. "You get used to it."

"Kakashi-sense, what do you mean we're taking the chunin exam this year? We only just became genin." Sakura looked terrified and ready to cry.

Kakashi's right eye closed as if he was smiling. "You're all so talented and special that you're ready anyway, along with the other teams of rookie genin to waylay suspicion!"

"Suspicion of what?"

"Huh? What?" Kakashi looked around wildly. "What'd I say?"

"Who are you!" Hariya demanded in a voice that squeaked with petulance. She felt embarrassed at having been surprised like that.

"I'm Kakashi, leader of Team Seven."

"That's my team," Naruto said.

Kakashi regarded her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Hariya Potter! I'm a sixth grader-well, I'm supposed to start sixth grade in the fall, but that was back on my home planet and it doesn't look like there is a sixth grade here. Not that it matters because I really should be in ninth grade. I live in the attic above the stairs at Number Four Privet Drive in Little Whinging, Surrey, and actually, if you're a professional ninja, then I'd like to talk to you about a few things, such as where can I get ninja powers and how come you guys never talked to me before and is this really an alien planet made of ninjas? Also I drew some pictures of stuff want to see?" She held up her sketches proudly. "I numbered and labeled all the parts, although I wasn't actually sure which parts were which or what they were called but I guess that's what discovering is. No one tells you, you just go and discover it! Anyway-mmph!"

Kakashi shoved a hand over her mouth. "You are so annoying. Never talk again. Please." He removed his hand, ignoring Hariya's indignant shrieks, and grabbed Naruto and Sakura by their collars. "Say bye!"

"Bye!" Naruto said just before Kakashi vanished with the two of them, leaving only a few leaves scattered in the wind.

* * *

Hariya walked slowly back to her apartment, weighed down by her sketches and the basket of materials to be transformed into dyes, growing angrier by the minute. Finally she slumped down on the squeaky, hard bed, dropping her things on the floor. She stared at the page of sketches lying next to the blank parchment she would turn into the conquering Flag of Brittania, and then she flopped onto her back as her mind finally began to catch up with everything that had happened.

She had traveled through space to another planet. Or maybe to another dimension. Wherever she was, it wasn't Britain anymore. Except everyone kept saying it was, but whatever universal translator was letting her speak to these people was probably just turning their word for their country into her word for her country.

This was a planet or a dimension or whatever of ninjas. Ninjas! Who could clone themselves and had ice powers and evil demons.

This world was mostly unexplored, and, judging by Naruto's failed attempts to explain what jutsu were, not very well understood.

She would discover it. She would understand it. She would become the world's coolest ninja and have all the best friends and go on the most exciting adventures. She would conquer this land in the name of Britannia and rule with the power of science.

Because this was a world built for her. She didn't know where that thought came from or why she thought it. But she knew that it felt right.

She should mail the sketches to the Royal Society right away. No time to waste! She scampered over to Naruto's room and knocked, but after several tries there was no answer, so, more disappointed than she was willing to admit, she went out with the sketches alone.

Konoha was primitive, she realized as she walked along the long main road. The houses seemed to be made of wood and thatch, and the clothes were fairly simple. In fact, it was only the ninja who dressed in a modern if totally bizarre way. You could tell who was a ninja instantly by the way they dressed, which didn't make much sense when she thought about it. An amazing smell infiltrated her nose; the scent of cooking meat filled her head and brought drool to her lips. She hadn't realized how hungry she was.

She ran over to the meat stand. "One meat, please."

"Two monies," the man next to the grill said.

"I have 73 pence and two quid."

"What the hell are those?"

"I have no idea."

Hariya's eyes snapped to her right as she saw a hand reach out and drop two coins onto the stand. "Here. Two monies. Give her what she wants." The man shrugged and handed Hariya a skewer of meat, who gasped happily and grabbed it, tearing off a chunk into her mouth instantly.

"Fank 'oo," she said. Then she looked at who had paid for her meal and nearly choked.

"'Oor 'or'eous!" she managed, hacking and couging. "Fo hod!"

The tall boy looked mature and distant, though he couldn't have been more than a couple of years older than her. "Yeah, bye."

She watched his _amazing_ butt shake in his white shorts as he walked away. Then she hastily swallowed the rest of the meat and ran after him. He ignored her as she hopped behind him, giggling with excitement, and then she latched onto his butt with both hands.

"What the hell? Get off me!" he shouted as she squeezed with all her might.

"They're just perfect! And so big. Stories like this one about ninjas and adventure and stuff just need perverted scenes like this, don't you think?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he cried, trying to pull away.

"This is great," Hariya said as she felt his fantastic butt. "I'll let you join my club and become a chunin with me and Naruto because of these."

"You're a genin?" With surprising strength and speed, he broke her grip and turned to face her, looking ready for battle. "Hey, you're that spy we caught!"

"Here we go again," Hariya groaned. "I'm not a spy. The Hokage-same cleared me himself. I live in Naruto's apartment now. I'm Hariya Potter. Sixth grade, read, write, and do arithmetic at a ninth grade level, haven't I said this like a dozen times already? Any friend of Naruto is a friend of mine. Anyone with a butt that great is my slave."

"What?"

"Nothing. So what's your name?"

"Uchiha Sasuke." He smirked like it was a big deal. Several nearby women screamed and fainted onto the ground.

"So, Uchiha-Uchi? yes, Uchi-do you want to see my drawings?" She showed him the sketches.

"I don't get it," Uchi said after perusing them. "Why are you detailing these bugs and plants?"

"It's what explorers do. I'm on the frontier of science."

"What's science?"

"What's science? What's _science_? How could you never have heard of science before?"

"Is it a jutsu?"

"It's where all the jutsus come from. It's how jutsus _work_."

He seemed skeptical. "So your secret technique is science jutsu, huh? Pretty bold of you to share that with other genin. Where's your forehead protector? What village are you from?"

"Oh, Uchi, you-"

"Don't call me that."

"Oh, Chihaha-"

"Call me Sasuke."

The nerve of him! "You want me to call you by your last name? But friends don't call each other by their last names."

"Sasuke is my first name."

"But it comes last."

"Yes."

"What are you, American? That makes no sense."

"What's American?"

"People from outer space."

"What's outer space?"

Hariya pointed up. He craned his neck to see. "It's a village in the cloud? I heard there was a village called that, but I didn't think-"

"Higher. Past the clouds. Past the sky."

He raised an eyebrow. "Now you're just messing with me."

"Am not! I'm from space and so are you, Mr. Alien Ninja Sasuke."

"I'm from down here. Anyway, look, I should get going. My team leader wants me. Nice to meet you, Ms. Science Ninja. Are you going to be in the chunin exams this year?"

"Of course."

He smirked again. Several more girls nearby fainted next to their already comatose friends. "Then I'll see you there. No need to get too friendly with the competition."

"Wait!" she said as he began to walk away.

He glanced back at her. "Yeah?"

"Thanks for the meat."

"No problem."

"Why'd you do it anyway?"

"I can recognize an orphan from a mile away. You're hardly subtle about it." And with that he left.

"Hmph!" she said to herself. "I didn't even say a thing about any alligator and he goes making assumptions." She looked down at her sketches. "No more distractions. Time to find...the post office!"

* * *

_Several Weeks Later_

The servant stepped carefully around the princes and dukes and earls and their wives as the members of the Royal Society talked gaily and ate tiny plates of extremely expensive food.

"Your Highness King Richard the Third," the servant bowed, "If I may be pardoned, you have a message addressed to the head of the Royal Society from Konohagakure."

The king finished licking his sausage-like fingers and snatched the package from the servant. "Ooooh, look everyone, I have a present!" He turned the package around, examining it. "Hmmm," he said in frustration as it didn't open. He tried gnawing at a corner of it. "It's not working!"

"Let me try," said Prince Charles. He drew his sword. "Hiyaaa!" He smacked the package out of Richard's hand, sending it flying across the room.

"Charles!" Richard whined. "Now it's all the way over there. And still not open!"

"I've got it!" King Henry said, bending down to pick it up. "So...close!" he grunted as he waved his hands, struggling to bend farther than his enormous belly permitted. "Grrr...ack!" he grunted in surprise as he fell over on top of the package.

"Help!" he cried, waddling on his back. "Help me up!"

"Don't be silly, Henry. We can't help you, obviously," said Duke Jasper. "We're nobles, we don't help people." Several servants rushed over and, heaving desperately, managed to pull Henry upright.

"What's in the package!" Richard whined. "What's in the package!"

A servant picked it up and opened it, earning a burst of applause from the assembled royalty.

"It appears to be drawings of plants and animals," the servant said. "With descriptions."

"Pictures!" Richard gasped, and all the royals gathered around to see the pictures of the plants and animals as the servant held them up one by one. "Give them voices!" someone demanded, and different servants held up various animals and plants and acted out a short play.

"I say, get off my carefully labeled foliage!" a tree said in a high-pitched voice.

"Don't fall on me!" the discovery rock trembled, to much laughter. After it ended, the royals demanded an encore, and after a second show it was all finally over and the royals returned to their party, swapping their favorite lines from the play, debating whether the first performance was better than the second, and snacking on the "Horse dovers King Richard got straight from France."

The pictures and accompanying notes forgotten by all, no one noticed when they disappeared.

* * *

Kabuto laid the sketches and notes in front of Orochimaru, who looked at them impatiently. "Don't play games with me, Kabuto. What is this?"

"An offer, if I'm not mistaken," Kabuto said. He pushed his glasses up with his middle finger. "These were sent to the Royal Society from someone within Konoha."

"So?" Orochimaru hated when Kabuto dragged things out. "They're all buffoons. Why are you showing me this?"

"I had never seen anything like this before," Kabuto said. "I admit, I stole them at first simply out of curiosity. But after looking at them, I realized. Someone from within Konoha is offering us information."

"...I see. These seemingly meaningless drawings are a code. They're saying that whoever did these can get us information about Konoha's defenses, and they know how to conceal what they're doing."

"It's brilliant," Kabuto said. "And they must have known that I would see it. You'll notice that the kabutomushi is called 'dream beetle.' That has to be a reference to the genjutsu I was under. That's how I first understood what this was. No one else would see it, practically ensuring that if this landed in anyone's hands, it would be mine."

"Why are you so happy?" Orochimaru said sharply. "Our security has been compromised. Who sent this?"

"That's what I want to know," Kabuto breathed. "This is pure genius."

"Konoha is trying to lure us into a trap."

"I don't think so. See here? 'Ninja ant.' Its pincers are labeled 'suckers.'"

Orochimaru's eyes widened. "The Aburame clan!"

"Exactly. That's key information on a secret clan technique of Konoha's. Those are jealously guarded. Konoha wouldn't risk letting a secret like that get out. The sender is telling us that they have important information and that they're trustworthy-or at least that they're not working for Konoha."

"It has to be Akatsuki. Or Jiraiya, that bastard. Someone suspects us."

"I think it's an offer to you, not to the Sand," Kabuto said. "I don't think we've been discovered. I looked and looked and couldn't find a reference to the Sand at all. The sender has done such a good job that something as important as that wouldn't be left out. They don't know about our plan."

"Or they just want us to think that."

"Maybe."

"We'll kill this person when we're done with him."

"Obviously," Kabuto said. "But I think we should pursue this-cautiously. A double agent who knows Konoha's defenses could prove invaluable."

"So pursue it then. When you infiltrate the chunin exams, find this person, extract all the information, especially what and how they know about us. Then dispose of them."

Kabuto bowed. "As you wish, Orochimaru-sama."


End file.
